thick glasses…

I swear, on somedays, much like today, or in weeks like this week, that someone put an invisible pair of thickly lensed glasses on me. These thick glasses make everything look crazy, up close, and glaring.  Either that, or it’s just that somedays in law school I feel like I was prescribed the wrong prescription, so-to-speak. Today, was one of those days.  Unfortunately, for me, during these seemingly wrong prescription days or weeks, I see so poorly, that I often decide it would also be good, to take an up close look and evaluation of our life. The result of these up close evaluations are always terrible and the outcomes quite untrue though they may seem very true in the moment.  So, I am taking a break from evaluating and about to watch Celebrity Apprentice. Hallelujah!!!  But since I have an hour, I thought I would write.  This week has been rough.  Molly left Monday, and my daily buddy, Jamie, moved away Tuesday night. I am still in denial that she is gone and am secretly hoping for her van to pull up and for her to knock on my door hoping to use my toaster.  I think she is probably wishing I was knocking on her door to fetch her for a power walk or to borrow half and half.  I know for sure we both could use a strong cup of coffee and a 20 min chat.  Unfortunately, this is one of the parts of law school I must embrace. With out her, I would not have made it through my first year of law school. Though upon first meeting her, I wrote her off the second I heard she was a 3L, it wasn’t long before we were like old chums.  Enough about that,  here was a glance into my day.  Bringing David to church at 7 to do sound, then bringing the boys back home to get them ready for church, and back to church by 9.  Lunch, nap prep, nap and attempted nap.  My nap consisted of almost dozing into heavy HEAVY nap sleep, multiple times, but being disrupted by #1 son throwing shoes (in the closet in our room where his mattress lies for nap time), coming out to show me boogers, coming out to get water, and such, and such, and such. Not forgetting many swift swats on the buns with a wooden spoon.  Finally, scheming how to get a wink or two, I decided to fetch the shoe thrower, and let him watch Despicable Me, and eat a snack.  (to which later today, he kept telling us, he never gets his way, and that Sol gets his way).  After a stern talking to about sitting still and not being loud so that Sol would stay sleeping, I was off to my bed. As I lay in my comfy bed, I heard in the distant living room, much crinkling of something.  I kept telling myself, I didn’t care, but was not sleeping to such a “peaceful” sound.  Storming out of my bedroom, I come to find, his entire bowl of “snack”, cereal and pretzel chips nicely strewn about the entire living room and his mouth stuffed with, for the second time this week, jelly beans.  Why I tried to sleep again, I am not sure.  It was a bad idea.  Then he came running in in his “inside voice”, which is just as loud as his other voices, wanting to play outside.  This “inside voice” was just loud enough to wake sleeping brother. Just my luck.  Now it was a party.  Taking many a deep breaths I continued to do my motherly tasks which included changing a poop. Whilst changing a poop I notice leon has destroyed my straw to my Starbuck’s re-useable water cup.  I then proceed to throw Sol’s diaper away, and come back to find Leon covered, well at least one foot and shoe, and most of the floor underneath him in my brand new tube of Boudreaux’s Butt paste.  That stuff is amazing by the way.  It really does keep the water out, which made trying to clean up the mess real interesting.  Never thought a spill on a rug could look so new and white!  Then while laying on the ground throwing a small kicking fit, (Leon, not me) he proceeded to kick Sol square in the nose.  Like I said, it was a party!  Wish you could have come.  That was it, I was taking a walk, with earphones on.  So off we went in the 80 degree weather.  I’m not sure if my children were talking, screaming, or sitting quietly on this walk, I couldn’t hear them.  (sorry village friends)  I popped an earphone out every once in a while, just to ensure no one was choking or such.  Then, dinner made and husband home (hallelujah) for a tince.  And, because I have such a wonderful husband, he sent me on my way for one hour alone, out of the house.  Who knew an hour could make one so sane?  I did not.  If I would have known, I would have had a yard sale and hired a sitter much earlier in this crazy week.  This one hour was enough to inspire me to clean my tornado-ed house!  And, it was enough to help me realize that now is not the time to evaluate life.  Finals is upon us.  Our life is insane for the next 2 weeks.  And somehow, this hour made me even have perspective that, though our brand new popsicle molds fell out of the freezer after dinner and 2 cracked, that we still can use the other 4.  That my friend is perspective.  At least for me it is. That is the glass going from empty to at least part full.  I will make it, I will endure.  We are almost through year #1.  Again, hallelujah! I miss you so, much more than you know.

A little saner, than before,

Bep

 

A Ball for the Barrister!

It pays to be a barrister.  What is a barrister you might ask?  Not exactly sure, but they throw a ball for us once a year and although it was more like a high school reunion than a ball, we still had one.   We had the best company!  Two couples, sadly enough are 3L’s in the language of law school.  This in normal human terms means they are leaving us in 2-5 weeks.  This is the sucky part of law school.  Upon first moving here, and so many introductions, my ears were listening for only one phrase…”we’re 3L’s”.  Upon hearing that phrase, it was an almost instant reaction to, erase face, and find some reason you know you wouldn’t get along.  Thankfully, the erase face part, and  the finding reason’s you wouldn’t get along with them part, were both extremely difficult tasks.  So many dear friends, that I will miss dreadfully.  It’s quite the strange cycle of emotional status’.  When you get here you can’t wait to leave, and hope the three years, doesn’t feel like the rest of your life.  But the leaving ones, (wives that is) now are wanting to stay.  I’m not sure I entirely believe them, but heck, I want them to stay too.  Anyhow, back to the ball.  I think all us ladies felt like kids in a candy store: Make up, heels, jewelry, hot dresses, hot dates, child free. (translated into child terms, would be; skittles, starbursts, m&m’s, twix, etc.) We were plain giddy.  While the venue, and food were less than say you, regal, or delectable, nothing was stopping our fun.  Nothing like dancing the night away.  Children somehow don’t get the memo on sleeping in though.  I swear I wrote and re-wrote the memo a thousand times for them.  I guess I forgot they can’t read yet.  Thanks be to God for coffee in the morning and cute squishable bare baby and toddler legs.  In the face of blatant tiredness, somehow these three factors still manage to draw out a grin.  As Leon would say too, “the sun is awake mom, see?”

This is all I can rationally “up-to-date” you on for now.  Maybe after a few more cups of coffee I will muster up the cognitive ability to write more.  Miss you as usual!

Bep

Best part...new bracelets!

I love the back of the bracelets equally.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the soul…

I have realized before, but am again realizing how much the soul and its condition effects your current outlook on the beauty of life and particularly the beauty of the here and now.  On a tops day for the soul I see beauty in just about everything. Granted, I am sort of that kind of person, but still, on a good day, even the ugliest of ugly things may have a speck of beauty if I look closely enough. What’s funny is the fact that your soul gets packed along whether you decided to pack it or not.  Often I blame unhappiness on my surroundings.  For instance, Virginia Beach not being a desirable place to live, in my thinking, was the reason I have had such a rough first year.  The agitation of the grass not being edged at our apartments has most definitely defined a portion of my unhappiness. The fact that dining selections are limited, and that we live in a land of strip malls has filled the cup so to speak.  While all these things are true, the real problem with the last year is that my soul’s grass wasn’t edged.  Rather than feeling at home, I felt like we lived in a strip mall.  If the soul is displaced, everything is displaced.  This has been a season of soul displacement.  I am sitting on my porch, (made of a cement slab, and two 4 by 4 posts)  in 60 degree weather, in lawn chairs purchased on craigslist, drinking an iced Via latte with raw sugars, staring at crab grass.  The grass is half brown, half weeds.  Rugged toys and my dear boy Leon are sitting near by me and everything is perfect.  This perfection hasn’t come from the grass being edged, or beautiful scenery, though I might say the scenery this morning is quite beautiful. The perfection is in the fact that my soul that has so felt displaced is finally taking a seat.  It has wanted to sit down for a while, and finally feels like it can.  I feel inspired for the first time in a while, I feel like I love my life.  I don’t hate Virginia Beach any more.  I don’t really love it, but I love that we are here.  I love this path we find ourselves walking.  It is not a path that like Map Quest, you can put in your future destination and see where you are along the way.  It is more of a rugged way through a forrest marked by various pieces of fabric tied to tree trunks guiding you in the way.  We have no idea where we are going, how many hours, days, weeks, months, and years are left in this journey.  But the road trip is going well.  No need to fret when we will see our next marker on the way, because for now we know we are on the right path, and putting one foot in front of the other is all that is necessary at the time.  We are not going to worry about tomorrow.  Today has enough of it’s own. And frankly, today doesn’t have many.  I frequently tell Leon to not worry about Sol and that mom will worry about him.  He normally immediately says “mom can you worry about Sol?”.  I laugh inside, but, to be honest, I’m sure the Lord feels that way about me.  He tells me not to worry, and instantly I respond, “can you worry about it God”.  I hope to really learn to not worry, even about God worrying about our life.  He doesn’t need our help and isn’t worried a bit about anything.  That is the lap I am sitting back in today, and hoping to sit in it day after day.  In Germany a few years ago I wrote a song, and the words are o so true.

O my soul.  I can’t escape.
No matter where I go, she’s awake.
If I could sleep a thousand years,
Could I escape? No. She still awaits.

I cannot leave this state of mind.
It’s not confined to place or time.
I want to go so far away.
But she’s still there, staring at my face.

And this my soul knows very well;
You’re the only one to calm this hell,
Of a wounded soul so broken down.
Abba God, she cries for help.

Perfect surroundings don’t reflect a perfect soul.  I can be in an imperfect place, but if my soul can find home, all will be well.  Thankfully, it is well with my Soul.  It is well.

Bep

Those were the days….and so are these!

Well friend, I got a card in the mail last week, the front of the card said, “Those were the days…”, and the inside of the card said, “and so are these.”  I had tears streaming by the time I finished the last phrase.  Why did it hit the middle of my heart like a bullseye? Because it’s true. Also, because I probably tend to live on the side of the phrase, “those were the days” more than the “so are these” side.  I can’t stop thinking about that phrase.  It’s like it got tattooed on my arm.  I am not sure who said it first, but I am adopting it as my motto for life.  It’s a great reminder for my soul.  In regards to the “those are the days side” (as if I need more of a chance to be more reminiscent than I already am) I am thinking today about Valentines Days from long ago. We really went all out.  And by all out, I mean ALL OUT!  I could so use me a party like that right now.  I want some pink leggings, red shoes, heart shirts, and larger than life heart posters, not to forget our awesome heart headbands made my us, truely!!! I could definitely use a heart sugar cookie, or two or three, and really want to dance my rear-end off with no care in the world. Those really were the days.  Note quite as long ago, I surprised my love with a surprise show-up-at-his-school-unannounced, surprise in Portland, OR.  That was where I learned just  how much David doesn’t like surprises.  Since his birthday falls on the 12th, and of course Valentines is on the 14th, it was a kill two birds with one stone surprise trip.  I was so proud of myself, being terrible at things like that.  I had to do so much detective work to know, what time to show up, at which building, on a campus I knew nothing about.  Those were the days.  Young love, hearts pounding, smittenly head over heels in love, on Valentines Day, days.

In reagards to the “and so are these” half, I have realized I wouldn’t want to not have this half.  Though, especially in this season, I yearn for some of the “those were the days” moments, I would be missing so much with out this half of the equation.  With out the these,  I wouldn’t be cleaning up poopy underware and throw up, checking temperatures, or administering various meds and popsicles for sickness.  Not sad about that, but it would also mean, I wouldn’t have my two boys who I ADORE with all my heart.  That would be sad.  I wouldn’t like pink grapefruit Perrier.  That would be sad.  I wouldn’t have become a wine and food snob.  That would be sad.  I wouldn’t know what older than “young love” is like.  It’s wonderful.  I wouldn’t be sharing my Hubs with the law school paper that is due, while sitting alone in Virginia Beach eating Harris Teeter Chipoltle Tortilla Soup and writing you. But, we wouldn’t be living this great adventure that we were destined to live either.  I miss my man tonight.  But, I am glad we have the “and so are these” things in life.  I rented a, (probably horrible) chick flick to watch and take many a deep breaths after such a long day of treachery!  It will be good.  And, we are scheming for a V-day when we will do something insanely romantic in the near future.  I am glad I have a Valentine, and that I have our life right now.  Those really were the days, and, so are these.

Hope your day is panning out like you planned,
Love, Bep

First messy hair day ever, possible because he has enough hair!!!

Happy Valentines.

Cutest Buns in the entire world. He'll hate me when he's older!

Toots hat from uncle duncle.

While Mom and Rach were here.

 

2 cups of French Press and a quite moment at 10 am…

This is strange.  A quiet moment on a Thursday? As the girls would say, impossible.  It’s 10 in the morning and Leon is at the neighbors playing, Solie is sleeping, I am dressed, make-uped, and decided my first cup of French press was so good that I should make another.  The next thought was trying to figure out what to do with this strange scenario.  Should I pick up the Wego-Dukelos?  (Lego Duplos) No, I decided, because they will be dumped out shortly after this quite moment ceases.  I think today I will just sit and write and have a few moments to think to myself.  It’s been quite a few weeks.  For the first time in months, both kids are well.  After a long stretch of ear infections, nasty colds, and stomach flu’s we are finally well.  What a relief.  On top of it all, Solie has slept through the night for the last 4 nights.  I hardly know what to do with myself.  It’s been a long 10 months of waking up every few hours with him for some reason or another.  Honestly, I feel more tired than I did before.  My body is in sleep shock!!! I love it.  I feel I have breathed in a fresh breath of grace. I needed it.  I feel the sun is shining on us this past season.  God has been providing things in a humorous way.  Our money keeps stretching, companies we have ordered from have screwed up, and therefore given us more money, things not covered under warranties are being covered on exception, and it’s been amazing.  I keep smiling at God’s goodness.  I even found a brand new, with tags on, white Le Creuset  for $64 dollars on Craigslist.  Talk about a delighted heart.  God must be laughing at me sometimes.  I love the little things, and love that God cares about the things that make me smile.  I feel a deep sense of gratitude as of late, and am just letting the goodness sink in.

I have been deeply homesick too, such a strange mix of emotions.  We are walking the hard road of being the “new kids on the block”.  It’s a pit-in-the-stomach journey that I do not wish upon anyone.  My heart aches just to be known.  I have learned a lot in our church hunting season.  I think everyone should take a Sunday and go alone to a different church. It would be an eye opening experience.  This whole journey has only convinced my sensitive heart more of the conviction I already had before, that we really must love others as we would want to be loved.  We underestimate the power of saying hello to someone sitting alone, telling the usher to add a seat on to our number so a stranger might become a bit more like family, or simply introducing ourselves and a few friends to someone who doesn’t know a soul.  This week was a week when after all the reaching out trying to connect, I just felt like sitting down and crying. I don’t recall feeling such a way since I was a little girl at a birthday party when something went awry.  It sort of knocked the wind out of me emotionally for days.  If I felt this way, being the rather confident soul I am, then how must the dejected soul, far from the loving arms of Jesus feel? The outcome has been a gentle prodding to just sit back in the loving arms of Jesus.  He knows me, really well.  I don’t have to prove anything to him.  He already likes me, notices the favorite pair of shoes I put on today, and knows what he’s put inside of me.  I don’t think he’s even had a concerning thought as to dreams in my heart that feel like they are over. To him it was only moments ago that those were a reality and only moments ahead when they will unfold again.  That is the pillow I am trying to rest my head on.  It’s a wonderful pillow if only I would let my head really fall deep into it and just relax.  I’m getting there.  They are planning the 5th year of Love Encounter.  I can hardly believe it.  On one hand, it’s the most exciting thing ever.  To see something you birthed continue when you are gone, is quite possibly the best thing for the heart.  On the other hand, it’s heart wrenching not to be there.  I am flashing back to this time last year, all the preparations, the housing, the 1000 phone calls with all our peeps and a million questions to be answered, the late night worship practices and hilarious laughter (mostly at me ) from the team about my excitement for the song trio, the late night art projects that my crazy artistic man inspired, and the gigantic larger than life horses.  Still to this day all I have to say to bub is “majestic” and we die laughing.  I’m thinking back to my very large belly amidst it all as we waited for Solomon’s due date a few weeks after.  I think about the call of God to put us in Wally and just how amazing the Lord is.  It’s still so much a part of me, I hope it always will be.  I can’t believe a year has almost gone by already.  I won’t ever forget listening to my honey preach one of his last words there!  He was an amazing Pastor, and is an amazing man.  Kara told me this week that she wishes I could be there to see all that is taking place.  Yet, she said if I was there still, it probably wouldn’t be taking place at all.  So true.  That’s often how God works.  I couldn’t be more proud of everyone.  I guess this is what quiet times do, let me really process the contents of my heart.  Most of the time the contents are a mess, good or bad mess, a mess just the same.  I guess that is where I find myself today, a good and bad mess, both. I just got a text from Esammy…he got a ticket.  AHHHH.  So exciting.  A piece of home is on its way.  Mom and Rachie come this month, Esammy next month…I can hardly wait.

Thanks for listening.  Love you so.

Bep