A letter

Archive for March, 2015|Monthly archive page

Winter energies and no facilities.

In Uncategorized on March 31, 2015 at 10:08 pm

We’ve somehow managed to retain an enormous amount of winter energy and decided, whatever the weather, to rid ourselves of some of it by heading to the park.  So confident of my scheme, I even ventured against traffic to Starbucks–one without a drive through, and you know what that means–to have coffee in hand for this daring adventure.

Ten minutes post arrival I see Sol running towards me with a look of terror.  He had to poop.  Our beloved Harrick Park, one so secret the boys are convinced we are the only humans who know of it, also happens to be the only park in the history of the world not to have a bathroom.  As you know, our family freely relieves themselves on many a random patch of grass or tree without hesitation.  Poop is a different story.  Needless to say, our winter energy remains.

This inconvenience has made me realize that I feel this way about the winter season of my soul.   I realize it sounds a bit odd and kind of grotesque, but it’s also revelatory.  Our winter in the natural has been long.  It’s been hard work, and messy and taxing, and down right exhausting, and on some days I wonder if spring will ever come.  Winter has been the same for my soul and sometimes I just want to rid myself of the toxins of the season, but find there is no outlet.  And, just like the park, in spite of the efforts towards change, the outcome isn’t what I hoped for.

Waiting can be sickening.  It’s not even that I doubt His showing up, it’s the handling of my heart in the meantime that is the delicate challenge.  I’ve found myself wondering what Abraham and Joseph felt like waiting? I’m sure there were moments they felt a lot like us.  We know their “morning” came, and know ours will come.  He always shows up. Though I don’t know exactly the time and seasons, He does. His grace holds me.  Spring has ALWAYS come, always. Until then, in the not knowing when, I’m heading to the park again.

Love you,

Bep
P.S. My praying plant (literally) died over winter, and guess what just popped up?  Yep!  I’ll take it as a sign.
P.P.S.  We drove to Duck Donuts today for the first time!!!! Hallelujah!

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Change and Donuts.

In Teaneck Winter on March 3, 2015 at 9:28 am

Hi friend!  Happy March.  How it is suddenly March is unfathomable to me, as well as the fact that Spanky is turning four this week.  Many tear brimmed thoughts on the latter subject. I cannot believe my baby is turning four!  The past few nights I have just been staring at his little baby button nose hoping he keeps it forever and thinking over the last four years.  I am in shock of his new found age, but the years didn’t go by in a blink.  When I think of all that has taken place in those four years its quite halting: His birth, a move, whopping cough, hospital stays, a cross country move, law school, the bar, a cross country trip, a cross country move again, starting a practice, and recording an album.  Though it’s a chapter or book in the volume of our lives, it’s all the life he has ever known. He seems to love it. He frequently tells me he has to whisper something in my ear only to get close and plant a tender kiss on my cheek.  You’ll be shocked how much he’s grown.  I’m working on squishing him back down to baby size.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

In all my ponderings of our life, I realized that exactly one year has passed since driving away from our Jake Sears apartment at the Village and stepping into this season we are now navigating.  I shouldn’t be surprised–I know you won’t be–but, I’m emotional. On one hand I’m in awe that we are here, we’ve made it.  We’ve conquered mountains and lived adventures.  And, in the midst of all of this craziness, we produced an album.  It’s real, it’s done, and real people are listening to it.  Amazing what can come out of basements!  I’m still in awe.  On the other hand I still feel the fragility of our season, or I should say hearts.  We have many mountains left to climb.  Often I don’t feel equipped for the climb and only feel aware of my inadequacy. Jesus doesn’t seem worried at all and though His load gets heavier and heavier the more we lean on Him, His strength is unwavering.  I’m sending messages to my soul daily to be still and know He is God.  Selah.

In all of this life we are living, not sure if it’s the season or the fact that I’m in my 30’s or what has happened, but I have fallen in love with donuts.  Call me crazy!  I don’t know how such a thing can happen, but it did. I CRAVE donuts now.  It all started with Duck Donuts in the Outer Banks.  You would think it worth the 2000+ mile drive knowing your love of all things sweet. Really, you would. They are deep fried to order and dipped in your choice of frostings and glazes right before your eyes. And since moving here, I have found two other donut shops that we frequent.  (as in weekly) I guess when you dress a donut in maple and bacon, or brown butter and pecan bits, it’s hard not to love it.  Change is good.  Absolutely good in relation to donuts.  When you come, you’ll see.

Love you and miss you.

Bep

P.S. I love mustard now too.
P.P.S. If you know anyone who wants hasn’t heard my album, send them here:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/meet-you-again/id962974605
or here:
https://bethanyengelhardt.bandcamp.com/releases

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