In the face of fear: Shadow dwelling.

In the throws of change and the unknown, at times this week I felt like I was dangling off a cliff. I fought through the days giving it all I had, grasping for trust, uttering truths under my breath. The nights met me with sleeplessness, and I could feel fear and panic trying to grab my heart. I spent several nights this week bawling myself to sleep just calling out to Jesus, knowing I have nothing to fear, but feeling it so near.

It’s been a Psalm-like week. I find it so easy to romanticize the Psalms I have read my whole life, yet in doing so, forget the real struggle of David’s soul. He didn’t write “tears have been my bed day and night” for poetry’s sake. He wrestled with life’s reality and the goodness of God. He felt at times forgotten. He was aware of the frailty of his own soul. But though he struggled, though he was despairing at times, he continually declared the goodness we know to be true of our God. Even when he heard no answer, he would say,”But for you, O Lord, do I wait: it is You, O Lord my God, who will answer.”

This has been my journey this week. In my dance with fear, at times I felt alone and helpless. Yet in spite of fear, I found courage from David’s journey to speak what I know to be true. I have reminded my heart that I have never seen the righteous forsaken. I’ve continued to believe that I will not be shaken, because He is my Rock. I found courage this week from David—from his honesty, from the bareness of his own soul, and from his clinging to Yahweh amidst darkness. I’ve found freedom in admitting I’m afraid, so that He can take me from it.

You probably remember my childhood verse as well as I do. It’s been my daily bread–my meditation. It’s been so comforting, so familiar, and yet so new:

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I  trust. For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler.”

I’m finding my place in His shadow again.

Love you, friend,

Bep

365 days: A new chapter.

Sometimes seasons change, and sometimes seasons really change. We are in one of those really changing ones, and to mark the ending of our first 365 days here, we found out we have to move. I know, I know, moving can kind of be a crying matter, and though I really don’t like packing, for some reason this time, it feels exhilarating. Maybe because it’s been one of the craziest years of our lives. Maybe it’s because it feels we are on the tipping point, and this just might send us over the edge—in a good way. Sometimes it seems we help in the changing of a season, and other times, He just turns the page. It seems that latter is true right now, He’s turning our page, or should I say, beginning a new chapter.

I’m flooded with so many emotions in the completion of this year, but the overall feeling is awe. We’ve made it. We did it. He did it. We are here. This year has been many things for us: crazy, grueling, terrifying, adventurous, daring, risky, fun, and a ton of hard work. To say, “We’ve made it!” is no small thing. There have been many moments I wondered if we would. To be here, a year later, looking back, I am in awe.

Just what does He have for us ahead? Something new, that’s for sure. Though new in relation to moving means lots of work, it is none-the-less new, and that is exciting. I feel like He’s lifting our sky, that the possibilities are endless. Closing this chapter brings a sense of relief and thankfulness. I can’t wait to see what He has up His sleeve. It’s going to be great. I just know it. People say New York will chew you up and spit you out. Well, it has chewed us up, but it likes our flavor. We’re not going anywhere. We like it, too. Actually, we love it, and that says a lot. When it hasn’t been easy and you can’t picture anywhere else you’d rather be, you know you’re in the right spot. See, the grass is greenest where He’s led us. It always is if we’re willing to look.

Love you,

Bep