Ok, obviously we were packing for New York, and I know it’s been a while, but here I am. I’m here, in New York. Smile.
I’ve been vulnerable before, but I wasn’t aware of it. Psalm 22:9 tells me “I learned to trust you while at my mother’s breast”. I often feel so far from that place. Then I did not worry if I would be fed, if I would be taken care of, if I would be clothed or provided for. Neither do my children in our “Now” season. I did not worry, period. If that is the picture of trust in its truest form, I want to learn again.
New York City seems to be the perfect place to learn. At least God thinks so. I feel excited and thankful by day and slightly homesick and dreading at night. At least some nights. I feel best when I know what’s next and when I know money’s coming in and when I know where I am going. None of these things are realities today.
David had to work yesterday. I had made tentative plans to just stay at the apartment by myself. Husband had other plans for me. He told me to visit Central Park, alone. Simple, right? To some it may have been a simple task, but for me, big surprise, it was far from simple. As you know, maps do nothing to help me as they are intended to. The B Line subway stop was only a few blocks from where we were staying and it took me far too long to find it. I’ll blame that on Google Maps. Uptown? Downtown? Both B Lines–No Clue! A kind woman directed me to the opposite platform (up and down a flight of stairs) and I stepped onto the correct one just before the doors closed. (Semi-correct I would soon learn.) Only 6 stops to go. I attempted to exude a calm, local vibe, though I’m sure no one was fooled. Three stops in, all but two people evacuated the Subway. It wasn’t until after the doors closed and didn’t reopen until 125th in Harlem that I realized I was on the express train: Not smiling. Now my only concern was to manage to get home at some point in the day and not be lost forever. Forget seeing Central Park (which I did) I just wanted to get to where David was. Things learned: Local and express trains are two different things.
Such is the general feeling of my life at the moment. I feel much like the Israelites did leaving Egypt (I assume). They left everything comfortable and known to go to a much better place, on road called Wilderness. I know I’ve judged them for complaining, but when they asked if they had been brought out to the desert to die, they actually didn’t have food or water and were in a real desert! But day by day God provided, and told them to do crazy things and miracles were born.
I want to learn trust at a deep core level like when I was a babe. I can’t make anything happen. But, I can obey and trust, and lean the weight of my being and life into Jesus. There is no better place if I allow myself to go there. He can see where my steps are leading.
Miss you,
Bep
My New Beautiful City! IN LOVE.
from bep 