A letter

Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

When spring feels like winter.

In Entering Spring on May 19, 2017 at 11:54 pm

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Friend! Spring is finally here, and unfortunately, I’m not referring to the weather. It’s still quite cold. I guess May didn’t get the memo regarding spring. So, while I’m layered in a sweater and coat, breathing in the almost frigid air, we are stepping into the warmth of the sun after what seemed like an unending season of darkness and pain.

Thank God I didn’t know long it was going to last. I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing you. I would have quit. I would have gone back to our old life. I would have gone for something simpler. I would have opted for something free of pain, struggle, heartache, and agony of soul. I would have picked paved. I would have picked safe. But, I would have died there— craving this adventure my heart was designed for. I’m glad I didn’t know. But mainly, I’m glad I didn’t quit. 

This past season striped us. It’s stripped me. I told Marge the other day that there have been many seasons where I could have sucked it up and put my best foot forward, so-to-speak. I’m not sure I even have a best foot anymore. I feel so bare. But, In a strange way, in my bare-ness, I feel so free. If only I could learn this kind of surrender more easily. I think it’s what His goal is with me—surrender—but I fight it so often. I strive to keep it all together. I strive to show my strength and put-together-ness, when He’s just waiting for me to let go. 

So, here I am, in May entering spring. Eh-hem, in spring, I should say. It’s all around me. You would think after such a long winter season I would run into spring with abandon. But I’ve found myself reaching for a winter coat most days, preparing for the elements. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Bracing myself for pain, when the path is clear. It’s like carrying an umbrella when the forecast says sunny.

I remember—you remember, the times I thought “easy” was just around the corner, but never came. The times friendships seemed to be blooming only to mirage away. So now, things are easier, but I don’t always live easy. I find myself looking around the corner in defense of whatever might be hiding. David shared last week that the initial bud doesn’t look like the fruit, and if you don’t have eyes to see it you can miss it. I think we feel like we have PTSD after this last season. I guess that’s the going-for-the-coat thing I was trying to describe. But, the truth is, spring IS here. And, I will not miss it!

We bought these little flower and leaf decals this week to remind us! We put one right on the light switch by the door, so we see it many times a day. Winter may have been long, but the trees are heavy with buds. It says it so perfectly in Isaiah, “See, I’m doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?” That means there is the possibility of not seeing it. We might be PTSD-ing, even though it’s in front of us. So, friend, buy some flowers, open a window, put something on your mirror, do what ever you have to do to remember: it’s spring.

Love,

Bep

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To-do and not-to-do lists.

In Welcomed Fall on November 18, 2015 at 10:57 pm


To do lists should be created to help us live our lives, not to run them. This is often forgotten by my neat-freak perfectionistic selfespecially lately. Please send me a postcard to help me remember: Living is the goal, not the list! If you’ve wondered where I disappeared to the last month and a half, now you know. I’ve been trying to figure our how to live in this new and awesome chapter of life where EVERYTHING is different.

I don’t think there has been one day since moving that I felt caught up! I feel like my to do list has been ever-growing and though the days pass, I’m not exactly sure what took place. Much of this can be blamed the two small lads that roam, the copious amount of naps I’ve needed to take while growing a human, and on Davids new work scheduleand I mean “blamed” in the happiest sense. We actually see David every day for more than an hour or two. You have no idea how wonderful this is, but I’m sure you can imagine. He often joins us for lunch or dinner and frequently gets to work from home. We’ve had dinner parties, watched tons of movies and sporadically taken road trips just because we could. I find it odd though that none of these things were on my check-list. I’ve been realizing there are things in life that cannot be check-listed. Sure, lists can help us be organized and can help us not forget things at the store like half and half, which would be a small but major tragedy. However, much of life’s gold we really crave cannot be put on a list or checked off.

You know how I thrive on check lists and organization, and the feeling of accomplishment those things bring. And, these traits, thanks to my mother, are a wonderful asset in life. At times though, when throned or imbalanced, they clutter the happiness and contentment of my heart.

Loving husbands and children are not tasks we can or should complete by dusk, but the adventure and the essence of our lives. If the sheets are THAT dirty I will change them, even if I didn’t write it down somewhere. I’m sure I will eventually unload and reload the dishwasher when I have no clean dishes to use. These things have a way of reminding you themselves that they need to be done. Sometimes what I need is to be freed from the list I’ve made for myself. The list that is so rigid and dictates so much. The list that can leave me feeling like a failure of a wife or mom at the end of the day. The list that doesn’t account for moments, conversations, or random hot chocolate dates. The list that measures so much but leaves me so empty.

I’m realizing the things that I really care about in life, can’t be put on a checklist and never should be.

Love you friend.

Bep


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